5 Ways Your Nervous System Can Shape How You Date (5 min read)

It was the first time I’d heard anyone talk about the nervous system in relation to dating when my relationships coach told me that mine was getting in the way of me finding a stable, loving partner – and it made a lot of sense.

Because when I looked at my patterns, I could see that a lot of what I was experiencing was down to how my body was responding – and that it had a huge influence over my feelings and my behaviour, including who I was choosing.

I wanted something steady and healthy, but I usually felt drawn to something quite different.

And my natural optimism often dipped into complete hopelessness when it came to the relationship I wanted.

If you can relate, there’s a good chance your nervous system is playing a bigger role in your dating than you realise.

Here are five ways it might be shaping how you date.

1. You feel a strong spark and you say a big “yes”

You meet someone and there’s an instant pull. Strong chemistry. A buzzy, excited feeling. And you get the sense that this connection means something big – or at least that’s your initial interpretation.

For me, these kinds of connections were utterly compelling. I loved the excitement and the high of them – and I interpreted the strength of my feelings as a sign of how wonderful and romantic the relationship was going to be.

But it was usually a very different story in reality – the strong feelings were more often than not a sign that my nervous system’s fight-flight response was activated by the dynamic, because it was making my body feel stressed or unsafe.

It would’ve been more helpful to see a strong pull as an amber flag – a warning sign that the high I was feeling might not be the good thing I thought it was.

And that it was a good idea to get to know this person slowly, instead of riding the big wave of excitement and diving right in.

Because my system often wasn’t drawn to the stability and safety I wanted, it was defaulting to what was familiar to me – our nervous systems are wired to seek out what’s most familiar in an attempt to keep us safe, but this can often do the opposite.

2. Stable men usually seem boring or unattractive

You meet someone who’s calm, consistent, emotionally available – and there’s just nothing much there. No spark. No pull. Sometimes even boredom, or plain lack of interest.

For me, the people who were more steady or available just didn’t register as exciting. I’d feel neutral at best, staring into the space where the spark should be.

I might have found some of those men attractive if it weren’t for my nervous system associating activation with attraction, and calm with disinterest.

I overlooked the very people who could make suitable partners. Time and time again, I thought: “He seems like a wonderful person, but how can I start a relationship with someone I’m not attracted to?”

It was a fair point – but one I made when I didn’t realise how much of a role my nervous system played in who I was attracted to – and that it could change.

3. The relationship you want feels impossible

I spent years feeling and believing that the kind of relationship I wanted just wasn’t available to me. It felt like something that only happened for other people, and so much of the time I felt sure I’d always be alone.

Especially each time an emotionally intense connection turned into disappointment – that’s when my nervous system went into shut-down (freeze) to try and protect me from overwhelming feelings, and getting hurt again.

When we feel safe and connected, there’s naturally more sense of possibility and optimism – and the deeper we go into a survival response, the more our optimism drops.

And when that happens, even imagining being in a loving relationship can feel out of reach.

4. Dating feels like a waste of time

When it all feels impossible, dating can easily start to feel like a waste of time.

There were periods where I just didn’t have the energy for it – it felt draining because even though I was showing up, I wasn’t getting anywhere.

I often stopped altogether, because trying just made me feel even more hopeless.

When we’re in a survival state, our social engagement system – the part of us that connects us with others – switches off, because the body is prioritising survival over connection.

So it makes sense that you’d have less motivation to date – and you literally have less capacity to connect with potential partners.

And this creates a cycle of feeling less open, which leads to less connection, and even more hopeless about dating.

5. You’re up for dating and the relationship you want feels totally possible

This can happen more easily when life feels relatively settled, you feel generally supported and connected (in your community of friends, for example), or there’s less emotional intensity in general.

You feel a sense of openness, and it seems like the relationship you want could actually be possible, or even probable.

It doesn’t mean you feel excited about everyone – but you feel more open to more people. Dating doesn’t feel like something you’re pushing through, it feels like something you have the energy to engage with and can enjoy.

Because your nervous system is in the safe and connected state – not survival mode – your social engagement system is switched on, and your optimism and sense of possibility is alive and well. 

What I’ve come to understand – through personal experience and practice, my work with clients and everything I’ve studied around the nervous system – is that it plays a huge part in how we turn up (or not) in dating, the choices we make, and how a situation feels – depending on whether we’re in survival mode or in a more safe and connected state.

Experiences like intense chemistry, lack of interest, hopelessness, or a sense of possibility are all subject to change, depending on what’s happening in our nervous system.

None of it means you’re doing anything wrong. It just means your system is responding in the way it’s learned to, based on past experiences, and the ways it tries to protect you.

When we acknowledge that, it’s easier to relate to our patterns with more understanding and less self-judgement.

And to consciously look for ways to bring more of a sense of safety and connection to our system, more of the time – something that helped me a lot in moving towards my own stable, committed relationship with more confidence, more ease, and more enjoyment in the process.

If you found this helpful, you might also like my free audio 3 Game-Changing Keys to Attract Your Committed Dream Partner – Even When It Feels Impossible. Click Here to Download It.

It’s designed to help you start shifting old dating and relationship patterns, attract an emotionally available, committed partner – and move confidently toward a healthy, happy, secure relationship.

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