Let’s start with NO. Saying NO to something you don’t want can be a way of saying YES to yourself, and what you DO want. For example, saying No to going out for dinner because you’d rather stay at home and read a book means you are free to do just that, stay at home and read your book. You said No to what you didn’t want, which in this case equaled getting what you did want.

But it doesn’t always strictly work like that. Sometimes saying NO might NOT equal saying YES to yourself and what you want. For example, if you want a love relationship, but you say NO to almost every offer of a date, you could be hugely limiting your chances of meeting a partner, because sometimes we need to get a little closer to someone to be able to really see them.

Now I’m not saying it’s a good idea to force yourself to say YES when you really want to say NO. What I AM saying is that it’s a good idea to check in with yourself before you say NO on autopilot. Perhaps ask yourself:

What would I be saying YES to?

If you’re clear within yourself (and with your potential date) that you are saying YES to just a date – and not to a marriage proposal, or to sex, or even a kiss – you may find yourself actually wanting to meet up with them. And maybe you’d want to meet with lots of interesting people, because it could be a lot of fun (and could even lead to a relationship!)

Can I rely on myself to say NO?

Okay so this might at first seem like a bit of a paradox, but hear me out. Knowing that you can say NO at any time to something that someone offers you, or asks of you, is going to give you a lot more confidence to be open to connecting with someone in the first place. For example, if you know that you can confidently say NO to someone asking you to have sex with them (when you don’t want to), then it’ll feel much safer to say YES to a date. You know you won’t end up doing anything you don’t want to. But if you find it difficult to say NO, there is a much greater risk, because they might ask to have sex with you, which could mean you would feel obligated to, which could mean having sex when you don’t want to. And that could really hurt you.

If you do find it difficult to say NO when you need to, learning how could really transform your life. You could seek the support of others, read about healthy personal boundaries and assertiveness, find a good coach or therapist, and/or attend workshops that will support you to say NO. Learning to Say NO whenever you want to will give you a great deal of confidence and freedom, and will enable you to say YES to what you want in life, including a healthy love relationship if you desire one.

Am I willing to step outside of my comfort zone?

An unwillingness to step outside of your comfort zone and into the unknown can result in creating a “Wall of NO”. Imagine that each time you say NO to avoid the unknown, or to avoid any discomfort, or the risk of getting hurt, you add another brick to the wall. You may feel safe behind the wall, but you may also feel very isolated and lonely. A healthy willingness to step a little outside of your comfort zone will help you to stretch it over time, so that what felt very scary before can become reasonably (or even very!) comfortable. This stretch will allow you to open more and more to connecting with potential partners…which could lead to a love relationship!

Being fully alive and going for what we really want in life sometimes means taking risks, stretching our comfort zones and doing things differently than the way we’ve been doing them. If you’ve wanted to be in a relationship for a while but haven’t met someone and you recognize that you have a Wall of NO (as I have had myself in the past), you could take a brick out of the wall by saying YES to a date with someone. Just a date. You could say YES to getting to know someone one step at a time, checking in with yourself at every step you take toward them. You could say YES to yourself, to being fully open to life, and to the potential of experiencing the love relationship you truly desire.

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Relationships and Our Nervous System

Relationships and Our Nervous System

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When it comes to health and wellbeing, the role our nervous system plays is finally making its way into the spotlight. As a relationships coach, I’m excited to see this happening, because of the central role it plays in our relationship with ourselves and with others,...

I've always wanted to make the lifelong commitment of partnership in marriage, and it's been a very long journey for me to get to my wedding day at age 47. I spent a lot of my adult life in painful patterns when it came to romantic relationship, which included being attracted to those who weren't really available, and not able, for their own reasons - and I say this without any blame - to meet and love me in all the ways I wanted to be met and loved. And I wasn't willing to settle for a relationship that wasn't truly right for me.

It has taken a lot of determination, courage and persistence to overcome and heal the obstacles within me that got in the way of experiencing the relationship I wanted, and indeed to become the kind partner that I would myself want to commit to.

I could write a whole book about the process (maybe one day I will), but for now I'll just say that the most important aspect of it has been (and always will be) my commitment to Love in my primary relationship - my relationship with myself.

Love with a capital "L" is unconditional - it can't be fallen out of. So even when I fall out of "like" with myself, it's always in the greater context of my commitment to loving myself, which means I always come back to the recognition that I am unconditionally loveable and worthy of love.

We all know that Self-Love can be a real challenge. It requires commitment to doing what it takes to have a truly healthy relationship with ourselves - an ongoing deepening of self-awareness, attunement and kind responsiveness to our needs and feelings, being open to seeing things about ourselves that are hard to look at and own, and learning to embrace parts of us that we feel the impulse to push away and disconnect from.

But it is so incredibly worth it - and the alternative certainly isn't a recipe for happiness - because self-love, or the lack of it, sets the tone - and determines the quality - of all of our relationships. Whilst I'm loving and embracing myself, I can't not be loving my husband... I can't not be loving everyone (which definitely includes setting healthy boundaries, and sometimes walking away, of course).

Even when I don't like parts of them. Even when there's conflict and it's painful. My commitment to Love guides me back home to my deepest self and invites me to do the work I need to do to meet the other with Love - whether it's learning to communicate more clearly and kindly, listening openly to feedback, or soothing and holding the vulnerable parts of myself more fully and compassionately when there's reactivity in our relating, to name a few examples.

Whether I'm coaching an individual or a couple around their relationships, I see that the most important part of my job is to keep inviting folk back to their relationship with themselves. That's always what needs kind and loving tending to first, whatever is happening in their relationships with others.

Which is why I'm so passionate about supporting people with self-love, and with making it practical - so it's more than just an idea, or yet another thing to have to achieve or "get right".

If you’re interested in finding out more about the coaching and workshops I offer, please do get in touch at info@nicola-madden.com 

Ps. I am definitely not saying "you have to love yourself before anyone else can love you". This is a very unhelpful idea! And is simply not true.