The first blog in this series – Healthy Boundaries in Dating – looks at why healthy personal boundaries are essential for meeting a suitable partner.

The second blog – Healthy Boundaries in Early Relationship – explores why we need a healthy Yes and No as we begin to connect with someone more deeply and move into the early stages of a relationship.

This third and final part of the series looks at the importance of maintaining a healthy sense of your individual self and boundaries, alongside the shared sense of “we” that comes with a long-term romantic relationship.

***This blog may be particularly useful if you’re someone who tends to want and need a lot of closeness in romantic relationships. If you tend to want and need more space, some of the examples may feel less relevant to you, but the ideas may still help you understand the dynamics that can arise between you and a partner.***

Let’s assume you’ve been together with your partner for quite a while now – maybe for a few months, or many years. The feeling of newness you had at first has given way to a sense of familiarity. You share a lot with each other – your time, your bodies, many of your experiences, mutual friends, plans, maybe a home, children and parenting.

When we’re sharing so much with another person, it’s essential that we continuously recognise – and consciously feel – our sense of self as a separate being from our partner, with our own individual needs and desires, and our own individual Yes and No responses.

This may seem super obvious! But when we’re in it, it’s not always so easy for even the most self-aware of us to notice when this is happening.

When we don’t maintain a clear sense of “I” – our individual self – alongside the “We” of the relationship, we can gradually lose sight of where we end and our partner begins. And we run the risk of getting lost in the “We”. This can happen gradually, and in subtle (or sometimes not-so-subtle) ways.

Let’s say that on Saturday mornings you usually spend time with another couple who you’re both friends with. You’ve been doing this for a while, and share a sense that “this is what We do and how We like to spend our Saturday mornings”.

Then one Saturday, you feel a pull to do something else. The Yes you previously felt has now changed to a Maybe, or perhaps a No.

But you don’t communicate this to your partner, because you don’t want to break the warm and cosy sense of “We” that your Saturday routine gives you. Perhaps part of you doesn’t want to disappoint them. And perhaps you don’t even fully acknowledge to yourself that another part of you wants something different this week.

This continues week after week, and you still don’t admit – to your partner, and maybe also yourself – that you no longer feel a full Yes to your Saturday morning arrangements. Your partner seems happy with things as they are, so you continue to go along with it…

And a feeling of dissatisfaction grows in you. You might start to feel grumpy on Saturdays, or a little resentful, or trapped. You might even find yourself creating an argument (consciously or unconsciously) one Saturday morning, just to get out of your plans.

Imagine you’re feeling this way about quite a few things you do together and not expressing it, and the effect this would have on you and your relationship.

When we repeatedly override our true Yes and No responses, we can start to lose touch with what we really want and need. This makes us much more likely to simply go along with what our partner wants and act in ways that support their needs being met, without tending to our own – perhaps without even acknowledging that we have certain needs. And so a cycle develops, in which we can become more and more lost.

So, make space away from your partner regularly to check in with yourself – ask yourself questions like:

– Do I really feel a full Yes/No to this? (e.g. to a small request, or a major thing like the relationship itself)

– Does part of me feel a Yes/No?

– What am I saying Yes/No to on autopilot or out of habit?

– What do I really want and need right now?

– Do I sometimes feel lost in my relationship? If so, what do I need to do to reconnect with myself?

– How can I maintain my connection with myself in everyday life?

Bringing a healthy “I” to our “We” is one of the most essential ingredients of a healthy relationship. Sometimes it takes self-awareness and conscious intention to stay connected to ourselves, whilst also being deeply connected with our partner. And staying close to ourselves is part of what allows us to be close with them.

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