How to Trust Yourself When Dating Feels Risky (3 min read)

A few months ago, a client told me “I just don’t trust myself to start dating again” – something I’ve heard a lot of women say over the years, my past self included.

Sally* is a beautiful, smart, self-aware and successful woman in her mid-fifties, who’s been single for much of her life, whilst deeply wanting to be in a happy, committed relationship.

She hadn’t been dating for a while and was talking about how much energy it takes, and how difficult most of her short romantic relationships have been.

“When it all goes wrong, it’s so stressful. I suffer so much when I’m in a bad relationship. And then it takes me months to recover.”

She said she didn’t trust herself not to get swept up in strong attraction and choose a partner who isn’t emotionally available, or isn’t compatible.

She didn’t trust herself not to ignore red flags, not to over-invest in a connection too early on, and not to just dive straight into another painful and stressful relationship and yet another long period of heartbreak.

When I asked her what it’d take to trust herself, she didn’t have a clear answer at first. But things started to become clearer for her when she explored the different parts of her.

There was a child part who desperately wanted to be loved, and also a protector part who objected to her dating at all.

There was a sexual woman who wanted a committed partner to share love, sex and play with – and who was also terrified of getting hurt again.

And there was an inner critic who berated and blamed her for the repeating patterns she experienced.

She then sat in the place of each part, one-by-one, to hear and feel what it was like from their perspective.

For example, the protector part whose job it was to stop her being hurt talked a lot about how much of a bad idea it was to start dating, and the sexual woman part spoke of her desire and also her fear.

As she gave each of them space to express their thoughts and feelings, the answer to the question of self-trust started to reveal itself.

She realised that if she kept checking in with all her parts when she was dating, it’d be hard to NOT trust herself. And that not doing that was a big part of what kept her stuck in repeating patterns.

For example, she discovered that the child part of her who was desperate to be loved tended to take over her system when she first met someone she liked, and then the voice of the protector got almost completely drowned out. That’s when red flags were ignored and she found herself diving fast into a relationship before checking out if someone was right for her.

The conversation we had last week was a very different one.

She’s been dating someone for a few weeks now. She’s really attracted to him, but she’s not blinded by the child part – she’s able to listen to other parts of her that have healthy discernment, and therefore see him more clearly – both his beauty and his imperfections.

She likes him a lot, but she’s not rushing into a relationship. She’s speaking up when she sees a possible red flag, and looking out for whether his response suggests that he could be a suitable partner who can really meet her.

The more she listens to all her parts – without ignoring or trying to change any of them – her trust in herself, and her capacity to make more conscious dating choices keeps growing.

It’s not the only factor, but it’s a big one.

Which parts of yourself do you notice around dating? Are there parts that are stopping you? Parts that tend to take over? Parts that get drowned out, ignored or abandoned?

If you want to have your own back and build more trust in yourself, asking yourself these questions is one good place to start.

*Not her real name and she’s happy for me to share this story.

If you’d like support to build more trust in yourself and break old dating patterns, you can find out more here about The Dating Pattern Breakthrough and my 3-month 1-1 coaching and support programme From Alone To Committed Love.

More blogs