During my decades of being long-term single, I told myself a lot of stories about the reasons why. They generally fell into two camps.
During my decades of being long-term single, I told myself a lot of stories about the reasons why. They generally fell into two camps.
It’s not me, it’s the men. They don’t have enough self-awareness to really meet me. All the good men are taken. The men who are available aren’t actually available for a real relationship.
It’s not the men, it’s me. It’s entirely my own patterns that keep creating the same painful dating experiences and unsatisfying 3-month relationships. And I’m completely stuck because I can’t see what I’m doing wrong.
What I can see now is that there was some truth in some of the stories in both of those camps. For example, the dating pool of suitable and available men was smaller than I’d have hoped. And it was also true that I had patterns and blind spots that were keeping me stuck in familiar dynamics that weren’t leading me towards the relationship I wanted.
Sometimes I was more focused on It’s not me, It’s the men (or the dating world) and other times I swung to It’s not the men, it’s me.
When we’re in pain, we naturally look for an explanation.
We want to understand why something keeps happening, and often our minds land on a single, oversimplified answer: “The problem is out there” or “The problem is me.”
And being in either extreme – or swinging between them – can keep you stuck.
Because if you believe the problem is entirely outside of you, you may miss the patterns, choices, or blind spots that are worth exploring.
But if you believe it’s all down to your patterns, you’re overlooking the very real challenges of finding a healthy, compatible partner in the modern dating world. And you might even end up turning self-reflection into self-blame.
Being aware of the stories we’re telling ourselves helps us see the bigger picture. Sometimes there really are external obstacles that are outside of our control – and sometimes there might be things you can influence. For example, I eventually moved somewhere with a bigger dating pool, because moving was a realistic option for me at the time.
And alongside that, I stayed curious about what was within my control – my patterns, the choices I tended to make, and the things I couldn’t see about myself.
If you want to explore this, here are some curious questions you can ask yourself every now and then:
• Am I so focused on the external obstacles that I’m overlooking patterns or blind spots that might be keeping me stuck?
• Am I assuming my dating experiences are entirely down to my own patterns (and even subtly turning self-reflection into self-blame)?
• Can I hold both truths: that finding the right person isn’t easy, and that I may have blind spots that are worth exploring?
If you’d like support to break old dating patterns, you can click here to download the free audio 3 Game-Changing Keys to Attract Your Dream Committed Partner – Even When It Feels Impossible.
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I've always wanted to make the lifelong commitment of partnership in marriage, and it's been a very long journey for me to get to my wedding day at age 47. I spent a lot of my adult life in painful patterns when it came to romantic relationship, which included being attracted to those who weren't really available, and not able, for their own reasons - and I say this without any blame - to meet and love me in all the ways I wanted to be met and loved. And I wasn't willing to settle for a relationship that wasn't truly right for me.
It has taken a lot of determination, courage and persistence to overcome and heal the obstacles within me that got in the way of experiencing the relationship I wanted, and indeed to become the kind partner that I would myself want to commit to.
I could write a whole book about the process (maybe one day I will), but for now I'll just say that the most important aspect of it has been (and always will be) my commitment to Love in my primary relationship - my relationship with myself.
Love with a capital "L" is unconditional - it can't be fallen out of. So even when I fall out of "like" with myself, it's always in the greater context of my commitment to loving myself, which means I always come back to the recognition that I am unconditionally loveable and worthy of love.
We all know that Self-Love can be a real challenge. It requires commitment to doing what it takes to have a truly healthy relationship with ourselves - an ongoing deepening of self-awareness, attunement and kind responsiveness to our needs and feelings, being open to seeing things about ourselves that are hard to look at and own, and learning to embrace parts of us that we feel the impulse to push away and disconnect from.
But it is so incredibly worth it - and the alternative certainly isn't a recipe for happiness - because self-love, or the lack of it, sets the tone - and determines the quality - of all of our relationships. Whilst I'm loving and embracing myself, I can't not be loving my husband... I can't not be loving everyone (which definitely includes setting healthy boundaries, and sometimes walking away, of course).
Even when I don't like parts of them. Even when there's conflict and it's painful. My commitment to Love guides me back home to my deepest self and invites me to do the work I need to do to meet the other with Love - whether it's learning to communicate more clearly and kindly, listening openly to feedback, or soothing and holding the vulnerable parts of myself more fully and compassionately when there's reactivity in our relating, to name a few examples.
Whether I'm coaching an individual or a couple around their relationships, I see that the most important part of my job is to keep inviting folk back to their relationship with themselves. That's always what needs kind and loving tending to first, whatever is happening in their relationships with others.
Which is why I'm so passionate about supporting people with self-love, and with making it practical - so it's more than just an idea, or yet another thing to have to achieve or "get right".
If you’re interested in finding out more about the coaching and workshops I offer, please do get in touch at info@nicola-madden.com
Ps. I am definitely not saying "you have to love yourself before anyone else can love you". This is a very unhelpful idea! And simply not true.
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